This is my first post in some time. 15 days to be exact, thats more than two weeks, in case you needed help with the math. Every time I sit down to write a post, I can’t seem to make the words come together and produce a sentence. A measly little sentence, even a first grader is able to accomplish that. It honestly should be easy. It’s not thought, I could if I wanted just take a post previously written in my journal. Yet, I still can’t even do that.
I’ve noticed it isn’t just my blog posts I’m having trouble with, I can’t even talk to my best friend. Yes, I talk to her, more that a handlful of times in a span of 24 hours. From social media, phone calls, texts, and FaceTime we manage to stay in contact. At times it’s just from across the room but others, it’s miles and mikes apart. For some reason, I just can’t really express what I need too.
She reads me in a me in a way that honestly scares the shit out of me. She can tell something is up by just looking at me. Its kind of freaky. That’s what happens when you best friends with someone, I can do the exact same with her. Just hearing her voice over the phone Can be a give away. Yet when she sits me down, I loose my voice.
This is my very best friend, she knows everything. And by everything, I mean it. She knows all my secrets, horror stories, and random thoughts that pass through my mind. This girl has enough black mail on me to ruin my life in all honesty. Thought I know she’ll never use it.
I know for a fact she’s probably mad that I won’t vent to her on something this big. The thing is I don’t even know, what I don’t even know. I have been closed down and kept everything to myself I’m like a bomb proof safe when it comes to my feelings. It’s easier to keep a smile on my face that say how I truly feel.
The thing is I haven’t gotten to the bottom of this feeling. I’m currently in a weird phase of my life. I just finished school and the only thing that remains is my national boards. But I know it’s something much more than that. Right now I am an open book just waiting to be written.
All day, I have been thinking about writing a blog post about what I am experiencing. With only ten minutes, until I leave for my camp in Maine. I am literally speed typing trying to write this. Oddly enough, as I’m nearing the end I feel more content. I have always done better writing stuff down and I’m happy I typed this up.
So from here on out I will be posting more, just as long as I have internet. I will promise to be writing more for you guys to read if you wish. That will be a range of things from travel to anything going on in my head. I’m trying to be as transparent as possible. Which is weird. I let complete strangers read my blog but the truth is only a handful of family and friends know about this. I almost feel embaressed for them to read it like they will judge me. I know it’s weird, I’m a weird person though so it’s fine.
More importantly, as hard as it may be I’ll find the words I need to confide in my bestie. She didn’t get the title of best friend for nothing. In all honesty, I met her a year ago almost to the month and I’m closer with her than any people I’ve known since grade school. Keep in mind though I keep my circle close, I can count the number of friends I have on my fingers. This doesn’t even include my toes, so ya my friend circle is small. I like it that way. I don’t have time for fake relationships with anyone.
Because this girl is my best friend she knows everything. For her to think I’m keeping stuff from her kills me. She’s actually told me I’m keeping secrets and that hurt a lot. But at this point in time I’m keeping stuff from myself. Life is a weird roller coaster ride. Luckily for me I snagged a seat in the front row. I have a good view.
Well if you made it this far into the post, thanks for reading. I know its not my normal post but I am sure you have all had a block like this before. I leave you with this … call your best friend and tell her how much you love her and her friendship. It’s good for the soul.